now that the damage is done... [entries|friends|calendar] Hailey I'm Hailey. I'm 20. I enjoy sleeping. I love Netflix. Driving alone and train rides alone are vital in my life. ipod. pillows. inky pens. lists. aim. paperdolihearts@aol.com worst thing ever. love. [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

i cant sleep, so hi. [6/4/2007 @ 2:57am] [ mood | awake ] wow livejournal has gotten way high tech since the last time i updated. sup yoo. so yeah...since i got back from england some shits gone down. so when me and kelly got back to my sisters from Paris, my sister broke the news to me that my dad has a tumor on his liver. internally i was fucking the fuck out, but on the outside i was totally cool with it, because i thought it could be fixed. so we get back from europe and a couple of weeks later my dad has surgery to remove the tumor. everything is going fine for like...a month...he's almost perfecly fine. then...on one magical thursday, the exact day that i got my interview for tutor time, i get a call from a hysterical josephine and a "desperatly-trying-to-stay-calm-in-front-of-his-little-hailey face aunt telling me that my dads liver is failing and the night before he had been up in the middle of the night hallucinating and smoking imaginary cigarettes. i call up tutor time and have my interview moved earlier in the day so i could go see my dad. the interview went fucking awesome and i'm off to north shore hospital to visit my dad. i get there and i go upstairs. i get in the room and my dad is sitting on the edge of the bed, looking down, and hiccuping, by himself in the room. as i come into the room more he realizes i'm there and looks up and says "hi hail!." he looks like...COMPLETE shit. he's all yellow and his mouth is all shrively. i go from code yellow yellow to red. he tells me i look nice. i act completely normal. he says "i must be dying, everyones coming to see me." i "pfft" it off. i go home. i spend the night with justin. next day, i decide its completely practical to drive out to nassau and to purchase with kelly to do shrooms. i almost died at least 72 times. we were run off the road. i got out of my vehicle in the middle of the expressway to clear off the snow off hood of my car that a passing police SUV shoveled all over me. we got there and i legitimatly thought i had frost bite. but we had closet hiding in, fire alarm going off, holographic magazine reading, jamie t listening, room descriminating, sign making fun. so its ok. that sunday, i went to visit my dad again. he looked the same. he asked me to hold his hand. i watched them take blood and they were having a hard time getting enough out of him. i went home. so, then. on monday march 19th, i go school 2 hours early to see a math tutor. go to class. and then i go to tutor time for my try out interview. it also goes amazing. they tell me on the spot that i got the job. i get out to the parking lot and i have HELLA missed calls and a voicemail. i listen to the voicemail and its my aunt telling me that they were going to be doing a procedure on my dad and that i had to come visit. i call back to ask "if i really had to be there because i got the job and had for the next day" and josephine answers her phone and calmly says hold on. next, peter gets on the phone. and he says: peter:hailey? me: yeah? peter:are you alone? me:yeah.... peter:you're father just passed away. i call my mom. she tells me to stop driving right where i am and that shes coming to get me. i tell her i'm fine and that ill be home in 10 minutes. i get home and no ones there. my mom pulls in the drive way and it looks like she hasn't cried yet but shes gonna FLIP when she sees me so i'm scared because i cant deal with crying people. she doesnt cry, she hugs me. craig hugs me. she asks if erin knows. i misunderstood peter because i was imploding so i thought she did. i ask my mom to call erin. she gets out her xanex and give me one and take the other. she calls erin. i can hear her because our phone mad loud. she sounds all domestic and motherly and normal. im like..."fuck." mom tells her. erin comes. i see my baby man. he doesnt even know why he was forced to stay in the lobby of this place with perfect marble floors for his toy cars for a whole day. funerals happen. things settle. i get 3 weeks with my sister and my baby. i start working at tutor time and love it. too bad that xanex is still working. now i care about trivial shit a lot less. pay my own bills. pay for my own gas. im am going to hunter. and im in love.

days 3 and 4 [1/7/2007 @ 1:09pm] [ mood | satisfied ] sigghhhh....so...i kinda LOVE it here. yesterday we hung around the house and watched movies with jude and took naps and it was awesome. then tonys friend steven from work came over for dinner and then erin had to go to work and me, kelly, tony and steven played uno. stevens first time playing. i felt special for sharing such a wonderful moment with him. and then me and kelly took baths and got ready. standing showers are like...really rare here. its my least favorite thing so far. so then me and kelly met erin at the bar where she works and we made friends with some people there and they took us out to anothr bar. we made friends with dj and he made all these little shout outs to "the americans" and it was awesome. all the bars and clubs here have a lot of really cozy little places to sit and i loveee it. so then they took us to the best club i've seen here so far. they were really nice, and way funny, but then me and kelly had to go to the "toilet" and we couldnt find them again because the club was fuckiinnnngg pacckeddd. they have our number though and they know when we're here till soo...whatevs. today i think we're just doing laundry and hanging around the area and the house. we were supposed to go to london today but the weathers kinda shitty. plus, we reallly need to do laundry before we leave for amsterdam and paris tomorrow. ok so now its time to talk about the awesome little cultural differences. one thing i love is all the cockney ive learned, haha. here...figure this out out: go up the apples and make me a tiddley before the dickery strikes twelve or ill kick you in the berlins you crazy elephant. another weird this is the flavors of chips. for example, my sister has like...a "crisp" variety pack (chips arent chips here, fries are chips, our chips are called crisps) and the weird flavors are cheese and onion, bbq rib, and prawn (shrimp) cocktail. also, the soda bottles are shaped reaally weird. they're taller and skinnier. and sprite tastes like ginger ale here. ok so i guess thats it for now. theres will be pictures up by the end of the night...definitly by 10pm your time. but probably way before. i just have to go to pound world to get blank cds.

day 2 [1/5/2007 @ 9:12pm] we're here! we got to erins at like...2:00am ish and then went out to a 7-11 kinda place and came back here and went to sleep. i got to ride in a cab on the wrong side of the road....which is was frightening. today jude came downstairs to wake me up and said "where were you??" and "you're back!" and "mom! haileys back!" then we chilled till kelly woke up and we went out for a little tour of colchester with erin. its way cute. it looks kinda like ann arbor lauren. we went grocery shopping and to "pound land" which is my favorite thing so far. (dollar store) then we went out to dinner, came back here and got ready and me, kelly and erin went out to a couple of clubs. fuckin english people...are mad...funny. i enjoy them. tomorrow we're chilling and then hanging out with tony friend from work and going out with him to the bar where erin works and then HOPEFULLY TO THE CLUB THAT WOULDNT LET ME IN BECAUSE I WAS WEARING SNEAKERS! ew...im burping and it tastes like armeretto. i spent too much money.

uhduhgupduhdahgate. [12/30/2006 @ 3:29pm] [ mood | fuckin excited. ] sorry im such a lj dead beat. valerie inspired me to update because shes updating. that and i have to vacuum my room to remove the horrible pink fuzz invasion caused by my new sheets and i dont feel like doing it yet. those sheets have officially been retired. after 2 nights. i seriously had to roll masking tape around my hand to remove the fuzz balls off of justin before we went to dinner last night. soooo besides that, i dont have a job. and i fucking...love...it. but i cant get too comfortable because when i come back from europe im gonna start hunting again. even though i'm not sure if i can yet, because my back has been so absolutely horrible. i swear to you...sometimes, i just lay there, in a cold sweat, about to throw up and i ask myself and god, "what the fuck could i have possibly done wrong to deserve this completely unexplainable, excruciating pain. just kill me. please." and if you think i am exaggerating in any way...you are absolutely wrong. there is nothing more IN THE WORLD that i would love more than to just be able to stand and walk for more than 1 minute without that pain. believe me. i would live happily as am amputee if a doctor came to me and said "hailey...we've discovered whats causing your pain, but we're going to have to remove your right arm." pshh...i'd fuckin saw that shit off my fucking self. i am not kidding. at all. im really concerned about being in europe with this back shit. i mean, of course i am going to fuckin man through it because...well...im in europe and theres no fucking way im gonna miss out on anything because of some piece of shit, retarded, insubordinate muscle(s), but...i can get PRETTY cranky when that shit acts up. BUT ANYWAY! we're leaving in 5 days. i cannot even BELIEVE it. like...oh my god. really. i've never even left the country and im about to go to THREE countries i've always dreamed of going to. this seriously might be the best thing that has ever happened to me. in my life. besides judes birth. AND IM GONNA GET TO SEE HIM AGAAAINNN! from now on im gonna put everything from my myspace blog in my live journal too and vise versa. so tomorrows new years eve. going to blancas party. gonna get DRUNK. and stupid. and annoying. as usual. i think im probably really obnoxious when im drunk. but for some reason...shits mad funny to me when im drunk yo, what can i tell ya? im not sure if justin is coming with me or not yet. he's looking for things to do other than spend time with me, as usual. even though im leaving to GO TO ANOTHER CONTINENT FOR 2 WEEKS. but if i say that to him...he says "well you're not leaving FOREVER." whatevs. NOTHING could possibly bring me down right now. ok so i guess thats it for nowsy. seeee yas.

yippee [11/25/2006 @ 12:49pm] [ mood | anxious ] so "bitches in europe" officially begins january 4th. i am beyoonndd excited. i cant believe how lucky i am to happen to have a sister who lives in england. i mean, i was not happy about her going there, but this is definitly a perk of that. i never update this shit anymore. today i am hanging out with justin. and MAYBE going out to nassau, im not sure yet, i have no fucking money. at all. thanks to the upcoming adventure mentioned above. it will be worth it. i hate my job. a lot. and i still havent gotten the raise i was promised like...2 months ago. you know, the one that was dangeled in front of my face to get me to come back, and now they're like..."jk!"...yeah, that one. fuckin bitch. i'll quit again. i have no problem leaving that piece of shit job. so besides all that, im also officially crazy now. see yaa.

<3 [11/7/2006 @ 10:56am] [ mood | weeee! ] oh boy :)

i had to. [10/22/2006 @ 9:49pm] [ mood | triumphant ] sorry, i had to take that conversation down. i only put it up so the important people could see it and i wouldnt have to sent it to them all individually. i just really dont like the idea of having it up here permanently, because its just not necessary. dont worry its been saved in the archives in case any of you need another look at it, haha.

hmm? [10/17/2006 @ 4:23am] [ mood | anxious ] im begging you to fix me.

i dont know anymore. [10/14/2006 @ 3:25am] [ mood | pissed that i wasted $10. ] i think that ive learned not to take advantage of good things when i have then. but ive also learned not to hold them so sacred, because it only hurts more when they're taken away (or abandon you). YOU try living your life like that. i just need something stable...soon. this shits not working.

my hair [10/6/2006 @ 3:29pm] [ mood | bored ] should i?

ummm..... [10/2/2006 @ 12:46am] [ mood | eeeeeeeeeeeewww ] yeah so... i think depending on what time i get ouf of work tomorrow, im gonna clean my bathroom there was definitly a strange worm like creature chillin in my shower. p.s. i got a new job! old navy mothafuckaaa. sup discount?

yup. [9/28/2006 @ 5:15pm] [ mood | famous. ] im totally famous. for real.

ugghh [9/24/2006 @ 4:03pm] [ mood | kinda done. ] i dont know why i continue hanging out with people who i CLEARLY do not like...

now that the damage is done i never miss it at all. [9/17/2006 @ 10:41pm] [ mood | swamped ] im teaching myself to realize that just because something was good in the past, that doesnt mean i necessarily want it now. i may want something LIKE it. but i dont want IT.

no way. [9/15/2006 @ 11:33pm] [ mood | fucked ] im so fucked... and so are you. i fucking hate you.

what i thought it was it isnt now [9/14/2006 @ 1:13am] [ mood | tired ] have you ever been listening to something so good while driving where you think "if i got in an accident and died right now it wouldnt be all that bad..." that happens to me kind of a lot.

trying to bump you off. [9/4/2006 @ 11:28pm] [ mood | forgotten...already. ] ok erin and jude are leaving on wednesday. im half way devastated. its not going to be too bad though because hopefully ill be going there in the winter, and then they'll be here in July for weddings...but he's gonna forget about me. the most important person in my life is gonna forget about me because hes 2. its not fair, and now im gonna cry for even writing that. i mean of course im going to miss my sister like crazy too, but i know shes not gonna change or forget about me. kids his age learn new things every 10 minutes and ive been there to see all the things he's learned for 2 years and now its just gonna stop. but at least ill get to see europe...and im gonna talk to him as much as possible to make it near impossible for him to completely forget about me. im concerned about whats gonna happen in the airport. i almost dont want to go. anyway...school started. im taking anthro, western civ II, philosophy, intro to journalism, french and badminton/bowling. my philosophy prof. made me fall asleep on the first day, thats promising, right? everyone else seems cool though. well i know my anthro prof. is, i had her for sexism already. so...basically...this weekend needs to be ridic...and anyone who stands in my way, preventing that will be sorry.

omg...its almost like you were THERE. [8/23/2006 @ 2:23am] [ mood | must...finish... ] walking in heels on a boardwalk was a BAD CHOICE buncha tattooed freaks. yeah we're awesome like that... margarita?? how about...9... jude went "in the wahtuhh..." + = hilarity.

jkk... [7/30/2006 @ 12:39am] [ mood | i dont wannnaaaa ] soo last night was fun. i drank too much and then drank a little more...thanks tom...because i know you read this...i have a link spyyy <3 however, today was lame. and tomorrow i have to sit outside my sisters house at 9am to help her with her garage sale in like...300 degree heat. fuck summer...im over it.

[7/14/2006 @ 5:47pm] the worst part is i have no ones to talk to because hes the one i want to talk to.

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